Although there were many circumstances and outside influences that contributed to my years of self-destructive lifestyle, ultimately it was my choice to maintain every hour of the same vicious circle of self medication to kill my inner thoughts and pain. Even though I continually wore a smile on my face, I had pain deep-rooted inside myself. I was a very angry person. I had feelings of very low self-worth and often wondered why I was even here on this vast earth. So started my pursuit of pleasure. My delusion of reality was teaching me that physical satisfaction and gratification would fulfill my search for happiness. I also found that modern-day chemistry has become very good at the art of covering inner struggle and pain through the compounding of chemicals. An even larger problem came to life when I learned to trust my substances rather than the One who created me and knows me better than anyone or anything. But my daily choice was to continue telling myself the lie that my private hurt could be controlled through continually chasing the one thing that my body knew as my savior from inner turmoil.
The thing is, secrecy allows us to hide. When we leave the pains we carry deep inside and don’t deal with them, covering them in what ever way we choose, they soon become our “skeletons in the closet”. The more secrets or “skeletons” we hide away the more likely we are to have a life controlling problem. The only problem with private concealment of our life is that everything is transparent to God. He has seen every undisclosed action, every covert operation and every hush-hush situation that we hide from the world. He knows every twinge of soreness that you feel. Every heartache, every veiled and tucked away anguish, every distress, sadness, sorrow and misery.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Hebrews 4:15
This verse from the Holy Bible tells us that Jesus understands us. He walked this same earth that we walk. He is well acquainted with grief. If you can imagine one day a whole city loves you and hails you as their King. The very next day the same people, the ones you love immeasurably, turn on you and scream out against you to have you crucified on a cross. As He was beaten the crowd cried out more and more for Him to die. The only thing He was guilty of was loving these His people. Soon He was hanging from the cross, breathing His last breath.
But that is not the end of the story and it is not the final page in your book either. You see, Christ was born God in the flesh of a virgin by the name of Mary. (read Luke chapters 1 & 2) That is the real reason we celebrate Christmas! The child grew, taught many, gathered disciples, performed miracles and at the tender age of 33 was crucified and put to death. But this too was part of God’s sovereign plan. Three days in the grave he rose forth and defeated death and the Devil. He showed Himself to many, many people after this monumental event. He promised us that anyone who believes in Him and believes that He shed His blood for the forgiveness of our sins and that He raised from the grave will have the same everlasting life He has with our Father in Heaven. (read John chapter 3 verses 16-18)
What does this have to do with me and my inner turmoil? I’m glad you asked!
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long;we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31-39
I’m not trying to say that the pain we feel is not genuine. On the contrary, it is all too real! What I am saying is that Christ Jesus can take your hurt and give you so much more to live for. He can take your hidden sins and forgive them. He will take your despondency and give you joy. He will take your skeletons and give you new life. Please don’t carry all that stuff around with you any longer. Just pray this straight forward prayer with an honest and truthful heart.
Father God, Thank you for loving me even when I have been unlovable. Thank you for dying for me when I should be the one to die. Please forgive my sin and give me new life. Make me new and help me to love You and serve You with all my heart. I accept you into my heart and my life as my Savior. Help me to forgive those who have wronged me just as you have forgiven me. Show me how to live in the freedom that only you can give and give me peace in my soul. Thank you Lord! In Christ Jesus name I pray, AMEN!
John 6:37 says, ” Whoever comes to Me I will never drive away.”
If you prayed this prayer whole heartedly, I welcome you to the Family of God! You are “born again” and starting a life as a child of God. (John 1:12) You have entered into a personal, one on one relationship with God Almighty, the Creator of all things. He loves you and will help you to live each day for Him. (John 14:26, 15:26 and 16:12-15)
I do recommend that you read a portion of the Bible each day and pray the God will open your eyes to see what He has for you, your ears to hear what He has to say and open your heart to accept it. Seek out a good Bible believing church to worship at and to grow in your new faith. If needed, please find a Christian counselor or your Pastor at church to help you with the deeper issues.
If you need some advice or direction in your newfound life with God please leave me a comment and I will be more than happy to give you some Christian guidance. My sincere prayer and desire is for all people who struggle and are bound with life controlling problems to find freedom that is only available through a relationship with Christ Jesus our Lord.
Keep writing Brain, you are touching many and your story has value!